Where My Help Comes From...Hard Post

I started the beginning of this blog post like a month ago, meaning to write about something else and then I just saved it to draft. Looking at several drafts that I meant to post, I thought I would write one now.  This one has been hard to start. When started to write, I didn't know how to continue. Anyways, here it is, in short detail:

How do you process loss and in particular,  pregnancy loss? When you have been longing for a baby, when you have wanted to come alongside your other pregnant friends in commaraderie, when you have dreamed about this little sweet smelling bundle, when you have imagined the long sleepless nights, when you have felt the pregnancy symptoms so accutely, when you have had to get up multiple times a night because your rising hormornes and expanding uterus were causing you to pee A.LOT, when your breasts hurt ever so much each time you get up reminding you of the life that is developing inside you, you feel twinges in your uterus and other parts trying not to stress out about what that means. Then it happens.

You feel something like a period, something you were not expecting for at least 9 months. You rush to the bathroom and you see red. "Oh no! Oh no! Baby, I 'm bleeding!"

That is part of my story.

On April 20th, the day before my birthday, I woke up wondering what the day would look like. Actually, part of it would be cleaning the house and getting ready for a house building trip in Mexico. I noticed that lately I had been drooling in my sleep. I was either really exhausted or pregnant. So I decided to take a test while my husband was out finding yard sale deals.

And there it was ever so light. I could not believe it! Can it be that I'm really pregnant? So the next day on my birthday the 21st, I took another test and still faint but it was there! No way!

That day I had a little bit of spotting but later thought it was implantation bleeding.

Later that week, while in Mexico, I took yet another test and it was darker than the first two I had taken. I was so excited to show my husband and it was then that it really started to sink in for him. He was so cute, he asked, "How did this happen, what did we do different?"

That whole week, I had a little bit of insomnia and I was in awe that I was pregnant. Wow! Thank You Lord!

When we got home from Mexico, I took a digital, no TWO digital tests and they both confirmed "PREGNANT". I thought those would make great gifts for both sets of future grandparents at the birthday party my husband was throwing me that weekend! I thought to myself, it might be a little early to tell them but I couldn't wait to share and if something did happen, I didn't want us to be alone. I hate to have had fear mixed with excitement but it was my first pregnancy.

The whole experience of being pregnant was so surreal. After trying for more than a year, ever since we got married (a year and half ago) and experiencing disappointment time after time. It happened!

I didn't want to doubt that God worked miracles, because I have seen Him time after time do so many good things in my life and in others, but even this left me in shock. I was wanting to embrace this joy of being pregnant but there was at times this nagging fear in the back of my head that something could happen.

Nonetheless, we moved forward and I told a several of my really good girlfriends, who when I told them hooped and hollered, almost cried, was in awe, smiled from ear to ear, and a couple acted in guarded excitement.

Tuesday, the last day of April, the most obvious pregnancy symptoms, breast tenderness, seemed to have stopped, like as if life left me or something and then I saw some more spotting. I cried! Lord, please no. Please let this not be the end. May Your will be done but please let us keep this baby!

I went to work, really kind of out of it. It wasn't until that Thursday, I really started to snap out of it. I hung out with my friend Kaja. We went to In-N-Out and then we went shopping! That visit with her really helped pick up my spirits. I'm so grateful for good friends who have a way to pick you up when you are down.

I picked out a little outfit for our little one and a pair of booties that Kaja saw. I showed my husband and he smiled and said something about jinxing us. I hung that little outfit on my dresser. I had hope!

On Saturday, we went to a friend's son's birthday party and since it was Cinco de Mayo weekend, they served margaritas. They asked me where was mine and I just looked at them and they almost screamed when they guessed the news. I told one of them to shoosh. The other one said she understood why I wasn't telling that many people yet and how I should only tell those that if I did have a miscarriage, they would be the ones to support me. I tried to push that part out of my mind because I was just coming around to being really excited about being pregnant. It was a good day! My husband and I went to the base to watch two movies in a row. Just me, him, and the little sesame seed!

Very early Sunday morning I woke up and I couldn't really go back to sleep. For some reason I really wanted to be intimate with my husband, but I didn't want to wake him up. He seemed to be sleeping so good. So I just laid there wishing then to go back to sleep. I finally did.

Around 5 a.m. I had a really vivid dream that made me wake up and then I felt something that made me jump out of the bed and rush to the bathroom. It was so not what I wanted to see - blood.

By then my husband was awake. He rushed me to the emergency room. They did a cervix check and said it looked fine, which gave me some hope. They did some blood tests and a couple of ultra sounds.

Later that day, the doctor told us in a hurry that they didn't see anything in my uterus, a possible ectopic pregnancy because of the cyst they saw around my right ovary, that I had a negative blood type, that they will administer a Rhogam shot and that he was sorry. Then he left.

My husband and I just looked at each other, "What?!" We did some of our own research on our phones. He played some music to try to keep us occupied. And then held me as I cried. The nurse came in to offer water.

After the shot was administered, I got dressed and we left, hungry, sad, and tired. Not a good combination. He put his arm around me and said that if I needed to talk about this anytime, let him know.

We went home. My parents and his parents kept on checking up on us. After taking a long, heart breaking, sobbing shower, I called my parents back. They prayed with me and encouraged me.

I couldn't eat. Both my husband and I were both tired and I was emotionally spent, so we took a nap.

Fast forward to our visit with the OB. He gave us some hope. He said that I was still early on that they would not have really seen anything on the Ultrasound yet and the only way to find out what was going on was to take another blood test. They would get the results to us the next day.

I stupidly, went back to work the next day because I thought I was strong enough, though my manager and boss told me to take as much time as I needed.

After a women's Bible study that I went to for lunch, I went to the bathroom and it was there in the restroom that I got a call from the OB's office. The doctor that called was taking too long to say what she needed to say and then she said it. "You are miscarrying."

I left work for the rest of the week. I still couldn't believe it. Maybe I was pregnant with twins (they do run on my side of the family) and I was just losing one. I didn't have cramps, I wasn't bleeding yet. Yes, I was spotting a little but other than that was I REALLY miscarrying? I was in denial. It wasn't until this weekend that denial became reality.

Writing this, the sickness my heart feels. I can't explain it.

But through it all, God has shown me so much love and grace through my friends, family, and my husband. I had one of my girlfriends who feels so deeply, cry with me. Another friend who made us dinner. More friends who prayed for us and continue to do so. Others who have had no words to say but I know who have supported us. Phone calls from others to make sure we are okay. And others who bring some comic relief.

I don't understand why but what I do know is that God loves me. And though my heart hurts and my head is trying to wrap my mind around this, He will help me, help us through this.

In the next post, I want to talk about how having friends, sympathetic people, and caring family helps through life trials such as these.

Love,

Mrs. M